A friend recently told me, “people should tell the person they like they like them!” She told me in a very adamant tone, frustrated that she never knew my feelings for her but I’ve come to the realization that everyone I’ve ever loved has hated me for it. It’s an inconvenience to them.
They’ve all known, even said friend had known though she seems to have chosen to forget it ever happened. I held that little of a significance to the girl I was infatuated with through my early adolescence and puberty. She plagued my mind for 5 years. I asked her out on the third year, she knew about my feelings for her during the second and was reminded of them in the fifth. Yet even then, four years later, she remembers none of it. I fought a long while to get over her. I did a lot of drugs to forget her. I drank a lot and smoked a lot to find new ways to enjoy life. I lived many new experiences to distract myself. And she didn’t even remember that she was the center of my universe at a time, but I suppose the sun doesn’t bother with the earth’s presence either.
Subsequently after that any person I’ve revealed my feelings for has turned me down. I’ve learned to move on quickly, I’ve learned how to not care. But it’s only recently that I gained this skill. A required apathy for my survival.
On that note, how can you expect me to be a regular old person with well stabilized emotional integrity? What is the result of such experiences? Well it’s impatience, and distrust, and defensive behavior.
But it happens again, periodically, I become fixated on a person, more in love with the idea of love and the prospect that my childhood notions were not a fallacy. Except it hasn’t happened for a long while now. But something else has.
I’ve found someone I don’t have to romanticize to be excited about. But her and I cannot be.
I like being alone. But I’m also tired of it. So I’ll cast myself into a superficial relationship with someone else to rationalize keeping myself distant, knowing that She is out there, unobtainable as ever, but hopefully happy with her situation.
Because that is what I do, I move on with distractions and new experiences, I cover pain by redirecting my attention. And it works damn well. And there’s so much more I want to say that I can’t say because I’m afraid. And I should end this now because I should sleep and I feel myself growing angry with the casual and more enthralled with the dramatic and that is when the dreams should take you.